Holding Space

I’ve been blessed to have close relationships where I’ve felt deeply cared for, and where (I hope) they have felt deeply cared for as well. Those connections are a mighty yet small portion of my relationships, and I often crave deeper ties with others.

One thing that I’ve been searching for is space to be me. It’s something I couldn’t quite name–though I felt it strongly–until I read “What it means to “hold space” for people, plus eight tips on how to do it well”.

In the piece, Heather Plett writes about when her mom passed, but the process of holding space applies to situation big and small. It’s about allowing people to trust their own intuition, hold on to their power, fail, and make decisions different than we would. It’s also about keeping our own egos out of it, providing appropriate levels of information, and creating a container for complex emotions.

Painting depicting two abstract figures of people, with the each head represented as a circle and the torso and arms represented by a curls. One figure is smaller and inside the larger one. It is as if the larger person is holding the small person, as a parent might hold a child.

The people I love most dearly are all people who have done this for me over and over again. The supervisors who I’ve most admired have done this for me at work over and over again. And I try to do this for my loved ones over and over again.

With Plett’s writing as a guide, I can now clearly articulate to others what it is I want and hopefully also provide it to them without them having to ask.

Read the full advice at https://heatherplett.com/2015/03/hold-space/.

A therapist who gets it

Going through counseling has been hugely helpful in my life. Except not always. With each therapist, I’ve had different experiences.

Most have been straight white women, and very few signaled they could help me process how race or queerness affects my life. One therapist I saw for a few weeks and never went back. But I’ve also been to a therapist who draws on his experience as a gay man of color and talk explicitly on his website about wanting to help others navigating sexuality, race, and personal relationships. I found I quickly felt comfortable talking about aspects of my life I never brought up with previous therapists, even those I saw for years.

Art Therapy – Image of a water color and crayon art work. There are various shades of green leaves in the upper third, green water color dripping down into stylized parallel waves of crayon, and then a grey rock rising out of a flat blue water color sea.

Based on my firsthand experiences, I’m now able to read therapists’ websites and get a fairly good feel for if they’re someone I want to work with. That said, I came across this article that helped me understand what it was that I had been doing intuitively (and how to screen someone who isn’t of the same background since so many therapists are straight white women.)

Writing for The Establishment, Jeff Baker outlines 4 questions to ask a potential therapist in “How To Find A Therapist Who Understands Oppression And Intersectionality“:

1. Why do you do what you do?

2. How do you do what you do?

3. Who and what informs your understanding of oppression?

4. How will you hold space for me when we discuss my oppression?

For tools to select a helpful therapist, read the full guide at https://theestablishment.co/how-to-find-a-therapist-who-understands-oppression-and-intersectionality/