For as long as I can remember, I’ve been interested in relationship advice. Even as a child, I liked to read marriage advice columns. So, it’s probably no surprise that I enjoyed this article:
“Bickering More After Kids?”
Learn how to avoid the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse.
by Jessica Grosse, New York Times
4 factors of relationship breakdown
“Criticism and defensiveness are two of the four negative reactions that can put relationships in danger, Dr. Cole said. The other two reactions tend to be signs of more serious issues: contempt (when you express a lack of respect for the other person) and stonewalling (when a person stops responding at all during a conflict). At the Gottman Institute, where Dr. Cole works, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are known as “the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse.” Once you start having negative interactions with your partner, Dr. Cole said, “it’s like a whirlpool” — it’s easier to enter that negative space than to exit it.”
And how to maintain healthy connection:
“You don’t need to be gushingly lovey to have a positive conversation. You just have to throw out a bid as simple as “How was your day?” or “Did you read that article?” and your partner just has to respond to you with a “turn” that’s telling you about his day, or sharing her opinion on that article. This may seem overly simplistic, but these easy gestures really help you feel connected, especially when you don’t have the time or energy to have in-depth conversations.”
Read the whole piece at https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/20/parenting/bickering-more-after-kids.html
Tengy Thoughts 