Article: The mundane, radical, fun, painful ways we can help our kids find happiness

The last two posts mentioned both my view on happiness (that meaning is more important) and that I often have articles linger in a tab after I read it so that it one day makes it here. This article combines both of those. It’s from almost 2 years ago, and it’s about happiness (though in the first point made, clarifies that meaning is more useful).

• Happiness isn’t the (sole) aim
  • “foundation of wellness: engaging in activities we find meaningful and connecting with people we care about and who care about us.”
• “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
• Relationships
  • “Relationships require tending.”
  • Model for your kids by reaching out to your friends, maintaining relationships, and repairing, as well as talking about your experiences with your kids.
• Practice radical curiosity
  • “Couples are better at knowing what their partner is thinking and feeling at the beginning of a relationship than five or 10 years down the road,”
  • “What’s here about this person that I haven’t noticed before?”
  • And with kids, the changes are even faster as the brain and body mature and develop.
• Allow for challenges
  • Upon re-reading, I’m not clear how this is distinct from “learn to surf”. But, it sure emphasize giving children space to solve their own problems (providing support, not fixes)
• Rituals and routines are connectors
  • Like family dinners every night. That’s something I grew up with, and I very much want with my kids.
• Embrace the long game
  • Basically, people change. Don’t get caught up in a single tough moment.

“The mundane, radical, fun, painful ways we can help our kids find happiness”. Deborah Farmer Kris. The Washington Post. 19 January 2023.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/parenting/2023/01/17/happy-kids-research-good-life/

Article: The Essential Skills for Being Human

David Brooks, the person I know mostly from his Friday evening politics talk on the PBS News Hour, is also (or perhaps primarily) an opinion writer at the New York Times. I think it’s the feeling of knowing him that got me to read his very long piece “The Essential Skills for Being Human”. Knowing him and also that this is the sort of thing I’m deeply interested in.

Based on when it was published, I probably first read it exactly a year ago. And kept it as an open tab meaning to enter it into this blog. My way of saving ideas I want to remember. Because I forget. I did forget almost everything he wrote, and I only skimmed it again this time.

All that to say, here are a few highlights I skimmed:

• The gift of attention
  • “When you offer a gaze that communicates respect, you are positively answering the questions people are unconsciously asking themselves when they meet you: “Am I a person to you? Am I a priority to you?” Those questions are answered by your eyes before they are answered by your words.”
• Accompaniment
  • Support, presence, just being good company.
  • “If we are going to accompany someone well, we need to abandon the efficiency mind-set. We need to take our time and simply delight in another person’s way of being.”
• The art of conversation
  • Be a loud (vocal/audible) listener.
  • Story-ify
    • “I no longer ask people: What do you think about that? Instead, I ask: How did you come to believe that?”
    • (I love this question in particular.)
  • Looping (paraphrase back)
    • (I also like mirroring, as described in the post on Imago)
  • Turn your partner into a narrator (by asking specific follow up questions to get details)
  • Don’t be a topper (by making it about you)
• Big questions (what I know as asking powerful questions)
• Stand in their standpoint
  • “…ask other people three separate times and in three different ways about what they have just said.”
  • “I want to understand as much as possible. What am I missing here?”

Towards the end of the piece, Brooks writes:

“The really good confidants — the people we go to when we are troubled — are more like coaches than philosopher kings. They take in your story, accept it, but prod you to clarify what it is you really want, or to name the baggage you left out of your clean tale. They’re not here to fix you; they are here simply to help you edit your story so that it’s more honest and accurate. They’re here to call you by name, as beloved. They see who you are becoming before you do and provide you with a reputation you can then go live into.”

I know I have experienced those kind of good confidants in my life, some of my closest friends. And I’m deeply grateful for those relationships, both present and whose time has already passed.

“The Essential Skills for Being Human”. David Brooks. The New York Times. 19 October 2023.

Adapted from his book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.

Article: A Crucial Character Trait for Happiness (Enthusiasm)

I’m always open to ways to increase meaning and satisfaction/contentment in life. (Many articles refer to this as happiness, but I’m not actually trying to pursue happiness. I welcome it, but joy and meaning and contentment and gratitude are all more important to me.) Anyway, this article says enthusiasm is a useful tool in this endeavor.

Specifically, the author points to 3 ways to cultivate the environment for enthusiasm (and this happiness-meaning-enjoyment-contentment).

• Act as if it were true (that I am enthusiastic/open to new experiences/energized by social interactions/etc.)
• Reframe challenges as chances (such as “What can I learn from this?”)
• Curate your friends (because of the “social contagion” of attitude)

I know I’ve used all 3–at various times and to various degrees–in my own life, and it seems to work to me!

“A Crucial Character Trait for Happiness”
Don’t curb your enthusiasm.
By Arthur C. Brooks (20 April 2023)

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/04/enthusiasm-extroversion-big-five-personality/673775/